so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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