Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
