I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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