Just fell off a train. Bad.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
