no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
