Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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