She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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