WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
