Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
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At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
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You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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