His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
