When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I want her autograph on my taint
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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