why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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