i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
