Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
