I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
