He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
