How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
