On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
