Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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