Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
