What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
