plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
