if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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