i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
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I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
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I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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