Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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