my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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