he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
