Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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