new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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