ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
