Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
