Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
