"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Randomize
