She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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