So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
