dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
