Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
3 2 1 whiskey
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
