so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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