I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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