whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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