Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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