i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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