I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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