Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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