Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
then he tried to convert me to islam
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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