their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
sarcasm needs its own font
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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