no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
