I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
