my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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