He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
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What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
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You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
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