Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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