im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
