I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
