Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
