My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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