I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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