Yo dont text me then not text me
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
